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Sort of a Downer

It's birthday season again! 

Yay... 
(sarcasm)

Gosh, it has been a while since Covid19 made its debut... I think I was thinking it would be gone by now. Yes, the foolish fantasy that we could continue with our lives after 2 weeks of lockdown, but here is August.
It's nearly my birthday and I have been wrapping my head around just what I can do to celebrate.

Sure, you can say, go low key. Or, "why not be low key, Jessica. Why's it gotta be a big party?".
Well, to counter that I'd say, "F&*k off, it's my birthday bish!"
But really, I would probably say:

1. I just came out of 3 years of being "Mama", as in new momma, as in "where the hell did Jessica go", as in "when the hell is Jessica coming back?" as in "what do the kids need now?"

I haven't been out in a long time. Definitely not the way I used to go out. 

2. It's a milestone birthday! Let me rock my milestone and set it off!

That's what I dream of doing. 
That's what I have dreamed of doing. 
I am trying to be sensitive to everyone's needs.
Now I am starting to think maybe I should stop worrying about everyone and just have some fun.
Usually fun meant being with everybody. 

I miss everybody.  I've missed everybody.  Even pre-pandemic.
I was missing y'alls!
Well dang, so here I am about to turn 40 years old.
It's a big one!!
A special one...and well damn, I want to celebrate, 
I want to hook up, I want to see you, I want to be seen!
Yeah, it's Leo season, "and what?"

It's my day to allow people to enjoy the fact that I exist. It's my one day to relish in the smiles, the gifts, the friends, the fun, the hugs, the drinks, the love, the smiles, the love, the smiles and the love!

How can I brainwash myself to think otherwise?
How can I convince myself that my birthday is going to be enough?
To match up to the ultimate "Oh lawdy, I'm 40" birthday extravaganzzzzzzza!?

Hawooooh -- the old me would say.
Hawoooooooooooooooooh. (you gotta feel it)
Hawooooh.

Owch! So here is what I am thinking... to go with this sick fetish madness. 

Take a drive to Pyramid Lake (to start)
Have a karaoke goth themed birthday zoom
Enjoy a beach bonfire
Drive up the coast
Take a trip to Joshua Tree
(ask my friend if her cabin is free)?>> hmmm >> 
Laughlin, Ludlow, keep on driving...
but um, where do I stop?
How far can I get?
With my car, a rental? Is that safe? nahhh
damn.
Day trip to ummmm Santa Barbara?
I dunno.
I want to have fun. I want the milestone to matter and not just be swept under a doormat. 

Pues, here I am. 
My favorite places are closed, and have been closed. Covid19 just flew its way over to my 40th birthday. 
There are worse things...but damn, what is left to celebrate if not ourselves?!

What is good enough? What do I need?

Family time has been enough for these last 3 years... 
I want some let loose, let your hair wrap around yourself, good effin time.

Hmmm 

I'm burning up.
Got any suggestions?





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